Bum Reviews: Summer Wars
by Charles Xavier
Summary: Chester A. Bum reviews 'Summer Wars'.


Author's Note: Summer Wars belongs to Madhouse and Chester A. Bum belongs to Douglas Walker (aka That Guy with the Glasses) respectfully. No profit is being made out of this work.

…

_And now it's time for Bum Reviews with Chester A. Bum._

_Tonight's review:_

_**Summer Wars**_

…

"OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!"

"All your base are belong to SPOILERS!"

"So I came into the theater and the movie was talking about this cybermanetic fantasy world, called OZ. And I was like-"

"WOW! I loved 'The Wizard of Oz'! I can't wait to see all my favorite characters again; Dorothy, Toto, the Cowardly Lion, the Scarecrow from Batman, RoboCop…but then I found out that none of them were in this."

"WHAT? How could you have Oz without Dorothy? It's like in that other movie 'Hanna', except Hannah Montana never appeared!"

"I didn't see Miley Cyrus pole dancing with a bong!"

"Though I did see Aaron Carter do that."

"Don't ask why."

"So there's this girl who's off to a family reunion to celebrate her great-grandmother's ninetieth birthday."

"I had a great-grandmother once!"

"She died at twelve."

"And she brings along this high-school boy and he meets her gazillion-bajillion family members!"

"Think of Madea's Big Happy Family except they're not black."

"Then one night the boy receives this strange e-mail from the Love Machine…what's a LOVE MACHINE? How come I've never gotten one of those? All I get are e-mails about making my penis larger. I don't need to have my penis larger!"

"I just need to get it shorter. And I don't have to tell you that twice."

"So the boy responds to the e-mail and the Love Machine hijacks his OZ account and swallows up every other persons' accounts."

"It's kinda like in that movie 'The Social Network' except this one has a kung-fu fighting rabbit! That's right, it just so happens that of the girl's cousin's avatar is Peter Kung-fu Rabbit!

"You know, for kids!"

"Yeah, no shit! That rabbit wears people's clothes already so it's no wonder he's mastered in hand-to-hand combat."

"So Peter Kung-fu Rabbit tries to beat the growing Love Machine but gets his ass handed to him. Mind you, that Love Machine looks an awful lot like a love child between Mickey Mouse and the Joker."

"Get a room, you two."

"But what's worse, every electronicamal device in the world gets jammed."

"I jammed every eletronicamal device in the world once!"

"It hurt."

"So one of the girl's adopted uncles is like-"

"_I'm the one who created the Love Machine and sold it to the US government."_

"And the whole family is like-"

"_What? Why?"_

"_Meh, it was my job."_

"_Then you must know how to destroy it. Tell us!"_

"_Meh, you can't. It's pretty much indestructible."_

"_Dude, you're seriously not helping here."_

"_Meh, I know. I'm supposed to be the heartless jerk of this story that nobody likes."_

"Then the pissed-off great-grandmother grabs this wooden spear, points it at the uncle and is like-"

"_GET THE HELL OFF OF MY PROPERTY!"_

"_Meh, okay."_

"But later on the Love Machine kills the great-grandmother by…get this, stopping her heart monitor. Well, what did you expect? My grandfather reached a hundred years old with a pacemaker...that was until I ate it."

"So the boy and the girl's family activate this supercomputermateur, but the Love Machine ends up swallowing up Peter Kung-fu Rabbit and tries to destroy a nuclear power plant by smashing it with a satellite."

"Really? Couldn't the machine have just activated the plant's self-destruct system or something? Don't all nuclear power plants have an on/off button for that? Why go through all the trouble sending a friggin' satellite down to Earth?"

"So the girl finds a will written by the dead great-grandmother, and she asks her adopted uncle to come back to their home. And the will says that everyone has to accept the adopted uncle as part of their family…again."

"HOORAY…AY?"

"So the girl decides to make her own OZ account and fight the Love Machine…but how? By playing cards with it! That's right, it's time for some hard core Polka! Bring out the jacks, spades, queens, kings and Pokemon! This is gonna be so anti-climactic!"

"And while the girl is fighting the Love Machine, the Love Machine redirects the satellite and shoots it straight towards the family's home."

"_It's a bird!"_

"_It's a plane!"_

"_No, it's a falling satellite that's gonna blow us all up to Kingdom Come."_

"_Aw…"_

"But then the adopted uncle deactivates the Love Machine's defenses, Peter Kung-fu Rabbit is revived, the Love Machine is finally vanquished, the satellite is destroyed and everyone in the whole world got all the pancakes they wanted!"

"And so the girl, the boy, the douche bag uncle, the skeleton great-grandmother and all of the family lived cybermanetically ever after!"

"Hooray!"

"Hooray."

"HOORAY!"

"This is Chester A. Bum saying...CHANGE! YOU GOT CHANGE? AW, COME ON! HELP A GUY OUT, WILL YA? COME ON, CHANGE!"

**Seriously though, 'Summer Wars' was decent, but anyone who has watched 'Digimon: Our War Game' won't find a whole lot new here.**

"Come on! I'll help fund the next Peter Kung-fu Rabbit movie: 'Enter the Carrot'. It'll be better than the book, honest!"


End file.
